Ian Cognito: Privates

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To Alyn Adams: Thanks for helping me get out of Capetown. Relax.

To Johnny Jonstone the best comedy bagpipe player in the world: thank you for your support.

Smiley: cheers for getting me arrested. Now we're even.

Wilty: when you left there was a huge drinking-shaped hole.

Matt. I owe you 12 Grolcsh (fuck the spelling) and a good night out.

To all my mates up and down the country who book me. I bet you wouldn’t do it otherwise.

NICK Pattison, normal service has been resumed, drop me an e.

WHO swiped my Shroud of Turin from Nottingham University? That was a banker that was. I hope you die preferably on a cross.

IAN Ross, 'aint seen you for a while, do you bleat like a sheep too?

DAVE Grey, sorry I didn't hang around after that gig at The Creek, it's a long story. e me. Same goes for Jay.

WHO swiped my Psion from the dressing room in Newcastle? You are probably doing my act now.

ANDY Proyer, now you are a good mate, all the best.

THE LESBIAN in Nottingham (I know there's probably more than one, but the one who spoke to me after the gig), by all means have artificial insemination, lets hope it's a boy.

TO MY STALKER, pay no attention to my gig list, it's all lies.

MARK Picken and Indira, thanks for the boat, if I drown you'll never sleep nights.

TO BILLY Connolly, for fuck's sake have a drink and then maybe the rest of us will get a bit of work.

BEN, you may be a smarty arse cunt but fair play for resisting the adman. See you Friday in the Queen's Arms.

DAMIAN Hirst, jammy cunt.

RUTH Quinn, from Newcastle, you gorgeous thing, I want you for the top of my Christmas Tree.