Ian Cognito: Questions Cog Gets Arsed

Here are all the questions that I have been asked in the past interviews, some of them got published, some didn’t but here for you netties are the unexpurgated versions.

Note that I made my comeback just before Christmas. It was nice to be able to afford a few oranges and new rubber ends for my Billy's crutches. Just to see the smile upon his wan and wasted face was worth all the brickbats and heckling I received from an audience unaccustomed to free drinks and bright lights such as is to be found over the festive season.

What's the distinctive buzz of comedy?

You write it, you think it’s funny and often, that very same evening you can find out if you are right or not. Not so with any other art form.

Why not play safe?

My mum says I have the divil inside of me. And she should know, she shagged my Dad. Personally I think it's the Guinness inside of me that's causing the problems.

HOW WAS ISLINGTON?

No need to shout.

Unlike jokes, songs take a while to hone, learn, perfect. The first time you do them is scary, and speaking personally I always fuck them up. The second time I perform it, the sheer embarrassment of the first time means I get it right. I have recorded with some great people. Alex Gifford, currently a Propellerhead (Ken Barlow's Fucking Boring), Paul Rio, toured with Pink Floyd (Diana), Cliff Masterson who has done arrangements for Oasis and Portishead (The Ballad of Lord Jeffery Archer), and Andy Pandini, my friend (The Universal Panacea) and the only one who still talks to me.

Disgusting sex is the only thing that takes my mind off the pressures of life. Trouble is sometimes I'm too relaxed for disgusting sex.

What do you think of comedians who do t.v. ads?

Perhaps being a comedian isn't right for them. Maybe they'd be happier with a career in sales and marketing. At least then they'd get praised when they sell out. For a fuller treatment see my website

They can be good if they are good. However sometimes they can be more stupid than I can be clever.

Max Wall lived across the road from me. He shagged a beauty queen, it was big news. I fucking laughed when I heard that.

Any gag by Alan Davies would be the last gag I would ever want to nick

Oi, can you keep it down a bit, I'm trying to read here

Dubai; a "Taxi Bar" full of Indian immigrant workers. On stage is a bangra band complete with luscious dusky dancer in sari, full business. I am most funny fellow from Britain who is talked into singing a song. It's one of mine and after shouting the chords out to the lads we are off. Band gives flawless Asian slant to my song, dusky beauty dances. I get 2,000 homesick immigrants giving me a stander and free food all night. My finest hour on stage lasted about 5 minutes. Such is life.

Depends how much spliff I've had, but on his night, Lee, Jeff Green's brother.

Who?

I haven’t written it......yet.

Seeing another comedian not getting one.

Splinters.

Have you seen my act?

I refer you to the telly pages of 21/9/92, specifically 03.00am.

I can only tell you I hide it under a bushel*

What have you got?

21/9/92

To kill my brother.

By sane I assume you mean able to cope with an insane world. Not possible.

My hat. It conserves 25% of my body heat which would otherwise be lost, meaning I don’t have to wear a bushel*. It also covers up my receding hairline and most people can't even spot I'm wearing a hat.

Thinking people are better than they actually are.

It’s not Portsmouth.

Me of course. Mind you, knowing my luck I wouldn't be right for the part.

They can tell their joke, and I'll tell my jokes. I think comedy is big enough to accommodate the lot of us. Mind you, my jokes don't have huge media resources coalesced behind them to bang them home. Still don't analyse, empathise.

Q: How many New Labour politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: These cunts ain't gonna change anything. It's still dark.

All I know is I can only speak with my voice. Some of these younger comics are getting away with stuff that I have been banned for, so the times have changed

Irony, the penultimate refuge of the scoundrel. I am not being ironic when I admit that I enjoy shagging grown up women, and drinking heavily. Both of which have a profound effect upon my character.

No. I'd forgotten about that one, thanks for reminding me, it's a great joke. One line, clean and clever, it might even be funny. If only all jokes were as good. N.B. Ian Cognito is a bitch lover.

An end to these infernal questions.

There, see, wishes don't come true.

I hope so.

*Olde Englishe worde for a type of undergarment