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Beyond compere
One of today's sharpest stand-ups is Ian Cognito. But you won't
find him on prime-time TV. William Cook braves his wrath at Greenwich's
Up The Creek
The Guardian, Tuesday November 12, 2002
Why has no one heard of Ian Cognito? Of course his stage name
scarcely helps (talk about tempting fate) but for the best part
of a decade, comedy insiders have been saying he's one of the most
invigorating live stand-ups in the land - and yet TV still hasn't
come calling. Cognito's anonymity proves that old showbiz adage
- however good the word of mouth, only a peak-time TV series turns
a cult success into a household name.
Up The Creek is the perfect place to see what makes Ian Cognito
so exciting, and why you're unlikely to see him fronting the next
series of Have I Got News For You. This cosy but raucous club is
in the fashionable heart of Georgian Greenwich, just around the
corner from the Cutty Sark and the National Maritime Museum, but
it still feels closer to unreconstructed Dickensian Deptford. On
a Friday night, the atmosphere is frenetic, its streetwise clientele
unwind after the working week and catch up on their drinking. Their
weekend starts here, and if tonight's acts don't make them laugh
and keep them laughing, there are plenty of wannabe comics in this
crowd who'll be willing to take them on.
Up The Creek has always had a lively reputation. Resident compere
Malcolm Hardee is Alternative Comedy's patron sinner - a reformed
jailbird who once stole Freddie Mercury's 40th birthday cake and
donated it to the local old folks home, just a few hours before
the police came round to search his house for crumbs. His previous
club, The Tunnel, closed after a police raid, was heaven for seasoned
hecklers and hell for fledgling comics. Up The Creek is never quite
so rowdy ("The Tunnel with A-levels" is how Hardee puts
it), but no comic in their right mind would ever call it quiet.
Luckily, Cognito isn't quiet either. He likes to shout, and tonight
he's got lots to shout about. "Fifteen years I've been doing
this fucking game now," he fumes, raging against the dying
of his Light Ent career plan. "'Dangerously explosive' the
Guardian called me. Nobody turned up to the Belfast gig."
He's compering tonight, holding the whole show together, and hecklers
are swiftly despatched from whence they came. "The idea of
heckling is to make ME look like a cunt," he tells one wannabe. "I
bet if I was to cut you in half, both halves would live." Nobody
is safe, even if they're just talking to each other. "Me star,
you punter," he tells a tipsy chatterbox. "Don't come
to a comedy gig and talk. It's like going to a brothel and having
a wank."
A compere is supposed to bridge the gap between stage and stalls,
but that's hardly Ian's style. His act is a one-man war against
the audience and the world at large. "I'm banned from more
clubs than any comedian the country," he declares defiantly.
It's easy to see why. No subject is off limits, no taboo remains
unbroken.
Without resorting to the racism and sexism of today's shock jock
comics, Cognito manages to be far more outrageous. He talks about
what he's really thinking, and that's what makes him worth listening
to, time after time. He might die on his arse, he might rip the
roof off, but either way, you know he'll always tell you exactly
what's on his mind. Comparisons are made to late great US comedians
Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks, and to the Glaswegian Jewish comic,
Jerry Sadowitz. These guys were libertarians, not right-on liberals.
Cognito's stand-up stage is his scaffold, his act a tortured rant,
the last furious confessional of a condemned man. Against all odds,
it's very funny.
Unlike many iconoclastic comics, Cognito actually lives the life
he talks about. He's one of the few entertainers who really has
thrown a TV out of a hotel bedroom window. "I'm constantly
in trouble," he once confessed. "Booze is my problem.
I just can't seem to get the better of it. I've done some stupid
things, and I'm not proud of that fact. The telly out of the window
incident happened because room service was late. That's drink for
you. I've made some terrible mistakes." Apparently he's straightened
out his life since then, but remains a dedicated drinker, offstage
and on. In black jeans and white T-shirt, he even looks like a
pint of Guinness - but he still had the balls to turn down sponsorship
from a brewery who asked him to water down the alcoholic content
of his act. Buy that man a drink.
"
[Stand-up] is probably the worst job in the world for someone like
me," he says, in the interval, over a beer in the upstairs
bar, while the punters stampede for refills. "It actually
causes me a lot of problems, this bloody game. I can't give up
the booze. It's not going to fucking happen. God knows I've tried."
Meanwhile, the rising stars he used to gig with, like Jack Dee
and Frank Skinner, have sobered up and moved on. "It used
to be more fun. Now it's a lot more businesslike and it can wind
you up a bit." On the wall behind him is a mural of the Last
Supper, with Malcolm Hardee as Jesus Christ and Ben Elton as Judas
Iscariot.
"
I'm not really built for that commercial type of thing," he
says. "I'm self-destructive... I'm angry in real life," he
continues. "I've had a lot of people die on me. Me dad died,
me sister died, me dog died... Fuck me, have I had a bad couple
of years."
Back onstage, Cognito winds up the evening. It's been a great night,
the sort of comedy you never see on TV, and although the other
acts have played a part, the adrenalin around the room has largely
been Ian's doing. "If anybody's been offended by what they've
heard up here," he says, "grow up. They're only jokes." And
although he didn't crack it tonight, I'm reminded of one of his
finest one-liners. "Spare a thought for homeless people in
winter. It's easy to trip over them when they're covered in snow."
"Unknown Hero."
Ian Cognito is a real comedy gladiator. No icon is too sacred
for him - he is prepared to be hated to get his point across. It
is a testament to his stand up skills that the crowd loved him.
Ian never made the jump to T.V because he is just too rude and in
your face. Still TV's loss is live comedy's gain.
Dan Urben Brighton Argos
"Kilkenny convulsed by a gaggle of giggles."
Ian Cognito launched into a relatively mainstream and yet spectacular
show in his typically unapologetic and wilfully controversial style.
Probably one of the few people working in comedy today who follows
the tradition of Sam Kinnison. Cognito dispenses a coruscating wit
which challenges even the most cerebral members of the audience.
At turns brilliant, charismatic, obnoxious but ultimately consistently
very funny, Ian Cognito is a comedy landmine of rage and resentment
in the funniest way.
Ian O'Doherty Dublin Evening Herald
Ian Cognito ****
Ian Cognito delivered a performance with all the presence, clarity
and direction of a true virtuoso player.
This electrifying, terrifying and ultimately vulnerable performer
warmed a cold Glasgow audience to boiling point. Stand up should
always be like this.
Jack Dickson The List
William Cook of the Guardian
"Cognito’s indignant polemic is a bracing antidote to more
amiable routines. When a comedian can transform rage into humour without
diluting their passion, the result is always riveting. Share his
inspired madness.
Phil Daoust of the Guardian (**** don’t miss)
"Cognito puts them all in the shade. If you want to know what's
wrong with New Britain, Ian Cognito’s going to tell you. And if
you don’t, you’d be advised to keep your mouth shut. Just
stunning.
Alexander Games of the The Evening Standard
"If messed up comedians are the most interesting, Ian Cognito
is up there with the greats. He rants but not without thought. How
is the comeback going? Very nastily, thanks.
Andrew Martin of The Evening Standard.
"After half an hour in the company of the constantly self-excoriating
Cognito, all other comedians begin to seem like people in public relations."
James Rampton of The Independent.
"Cognito is still hard to ignore, a raging bull goaded
by a flaming sense of injustice."
Malcolm Hay of Time Out.
"There is no doubting Ian Cognito’s blazing talent as
a stand up, but his capacity for self destruction has ensured he’s
never gained the recognition or status he’d otherwise have so effortlessly
claimed. You know Cognito will never prostitute what he does just to
play the game, he is a comedian through and through."
Reviews from South Africa, specifically the Cape Town comedy festival.
Peter Frost of The Cape Argos.
"Pumping aggro, sticky out veins, then clam patches, bizarre.
His material is truly awesome. There is no depth he won’t
descend to."
Kobus Oosthuizen of The Cape Times.
"The most interesting bit of the show is from Ian Cognito, who
delivers a fascinating performance. Toying with irony, he skips dextrously
over run-of-the-mill gags and gets to the deeper matters of comedy.
It’s probably unlike anything you’ve ever seen."
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